Archive for the ‘Life, the Universe, and Everything’ Category

God Giveth, and God Taketh Away: How To Sit on Your Ass and Wait for Shit to Happen

September 27, 2011 5 comments

I`m a very pragmatical, down to earth, sometimes cynical man. Which is why I’m perfectly aware of when and why shit happens to me: usually because I`ve fucked up at some point or the other. I’m also very aware of why good stuff happens when it does: it’s usually because I`ve earned it, or I`ve managed to make the people responsible for it think that I’ve earned it. It’s the way the Universe works, and always has: action-reaction, decision-consequence, causality in a nutshell. Which is exactly why I find it very hard to tolerate the people that not only decide to blame every misfortune on some Shiznit in the sky, not only thank said Shiznit for every accomplishment they’ve ever had, but also try very hard to convince me that if I cross a 6 lane road in full traffic and get run over, it was the will of the magical toothfairy in the sky, and not a direct result of my obvious idiocy.

“Prove this with hard facts!” the crowd shouts while rolling their eyes and pondering my eternal damnation. “Stop dissing on believers!” the raging theists scream as they clench their worship object of choice. Well, dearies,  I come prepared. With hard facts about how christians of all denominations (but more so, Orthodox christians, which I`ve had more interaction with than any other denomination) prefer to sit on their asses and wait for shit to happen, instead of going to church, collecting their balls from the box the clergy’s locked them in, and taking action for once in their lives.

As with all demonstrations, this one too starts with a working question: WHY do christians choose to be completely fatalistic and deny their every survival instinct? The hypothesis is that the collection of documents known as the Bible contains a simple phrase, somewhere (google it, I`m too lazy to) that says something along the lines of “God giveth, and God taketh away!” or, for my more modern readers not acquainted with archaic English, “Shit happens, dawg! So sit on yo` ass and take it all, it’s completely out of your control and as so random it’ll give you a headache -and eternal damnation – if you try to figure it out, y`know what I`m sayin`?!”. In other words, and contrary to common sense, your life and everything in it isn’t, as you might have naively thought, a result of your actions and decisions, but the doing of a bipolar, whimsical god that will kill your wife, have your kids raped and the Mafia take all your belongings (and that may or may not even sell your kidneys on the black market, as a bonus!) just to see if you’re still capable of worshiping him afterwards.

And now, moving on to practical examples of above-described philosophy, proving two things: that the bible is a dangerous document if your IQ is below that of plantlife, and that it takes guts, determination, and quite a healthy dose of rational thinking to pick your shit up and take your life into your own hands.

Example 1 (my comments in bold):

Floods hit Romanian countryside. Reporters rush to  find out what the people affected are thinking in these difficult moments, when their houses and their life’s work has been taken away by water.

Reporter: “So, why do you think this happened?”

Villager: “Ooohh….it was the will of God! Only the rage of God could have caused such destruction! We have turned our faces away from God, and this is his punishment!”

Seriously, Sherlock? The will of God, eh? Not the fact that you’ve built a house from cow dung and put it 10 feet away from a river mountain, on the exact same location that the flood took it from a year ago, two years ago, and three years ago, eh? Some people never learn, but hey, I guess that’s the will of God: the imbeciles (well, the Bible uses the more politically correct term of “meak” ) shall inherit the Earth. And build houses next to the water, after cutting down the forest that was keeping the hill steady.

Example 2

Child dies in tragic car accident. Reporters speak to the grieving family.

Reporter: “How do you feel about this tragic accident?”

Grieving Parent: “Ohh…God must’ve needed an angel, and he took our child away to keep him company in Heaven!”

You.Have.Got.To.Be.Kidding.Me. If this is true, then allow me to say, dear believers, that your god is a sick fuck that doesn’t give a crap about human life, and would rather kill someone’s child when he’s bored, than, say, watch internet porn like the rest of the world. Of course God took him away, you idiotic biblemonger, God took him away because you were too damn busy going to church, kissing icons and drooling allover the priest’s hand to actually teach your child to properly use a cross-walk and a traffic light. And instead of accepting your guilt, what do you do? You pass it on to the only entity in the Universe who can never be held reliable for it. Not because he forbids it, but because he’s not real. Get used to it!

Example 3

The morning of difficult, important middle and / or highschool exams. Reporter asks random student if she feels prepared for the task at hand.

Reporter: “So, feeling ready? Have you studied all the material?”

Student: “Yes, I`m ready, I staid up all night praying, I have my lucky cross with me, sanctified at the church and touched by the holy relics of Saint Whatshisname, protector of the students!”

Yeah, that’s right, just draw little crosses on your exam paper and everything will be just fine. It doesn’t matter that you’re retarded, shit-for-brains, can barely read at the age of 18, and can’t speak a whole phrase without getting the grammar fairies to pull their hair out, your magical god will magically convince your examiners that you’re worth passing. And later on in life, when you kill someone in a tragic accident because you couldn’t read the traffic signs, it’ll be the will of god anyway, so no need to worry.

Example 4

The subject of a premier medical intervention has successfully been given a second chance at life after 16 grueling hours of operation. Reporter asks him how he feels about this.

Reporter: “You can really say that you’ve been given a second chance at life! How amazing is this?!”

Patient: “Yes, yes, you’re right, God spared me and gave me life! My family went and prayed at Myanus monastery, paid for a special religious service to be given there in my name, kissed the holy butt-cheek of Saint Schizophrenia, protector of the sick, and lo and behold! I came back to life a healthy man!”

Now that’s down right offensive. After all the years those doctors spent in medical school, then doing research, then trying hard as hell to get equipment for their hospital in an economy that can barely afford painkillers, after the 16 hours they spent chopping you up and putting you back together again, trying to save your worthless life, how DARE you insult all of that by thanking your imaginary friend instead of simply saying “I was lucky to have had the services of such dedicated, talented physicians!” ? 

These examples are not 100% accurate. Events and characters have been modified slightly to suit the purpose of this article. But they were all inspired by  true stories that I’ve seen in the local media. These people, this belief system, they actually exist. The floods, the tragic deaths, the exams, the medical miracles, they’re all there. I’ve just exacerbated them to try and make a point. And that point was how blissful it must be for some to not need to feel responsible for anything or anyone, and just put it all on God’s welcoming shoulders.

These people do not worship God. God is just a scapegoat they use when shit hits the fan and they can’t cope.



Lo, the Apocalypse is nigh!…again!

September 25, 2011 3 comments

OK, this is getting a bit old. Make up your minds, people!  Natural catastrophe, man-made black holes, asteroids crashing on Earth, satellites crashing on Earth, The Rapture, global warming, earthquake causing comets, the devil, Vishnu, Ungu-Bungu`s Revenge, zombies, the Mayan calendar, what the hell is it gonna be?

In the past few years  I`ve survived so many Apocalypses I`m starting to think I`m either related to Chuck Norris, or to a cockroach. The last big thing was this douchebag preacher/radio host telling the naive masses to relinquish their earthly goods and prepare for the rapture. OK, everyone’s entitled to at least one episode of delusional paranoia per lifetime, I`ll give the man that, but what I can`t understand is how he managed to get people to quit their jobs, sell their houses, give their life savings to charity and other self-righteous bullshit to prepare for an event that even their holy bible states cannot be predicted by man. Fine, you`ll say, let’s forgive the poor sob and move on. Oh reaaaally? Forgive him you say? “Medicate” I believe is a better practice at this moment, considering he still hasn’t given up his apocalyptic bullcrap and instead stated that he was “wrong” and the rapture will actually occur next year. And you know what? He STILL has a following! I mean, people, really?! Seriously?!

Moooving on: before delusional preachers, there was the Mayan calendar. That`s still somewhat of a trend, with many people holding a firm belief that just because a bunch of people over 600 years ago, that had barely discovered the wheel, made human sacrifices and built megalithic temples in their spare time, yet couldn`t count further than 2012, made a bunch of predictions in their silly calendar it means they were right and we’re all going down the drain next year, when supposedly some serious shit is programmed to hit a cosmic-sized fan. Oh, you must be thinking, with something as serious as the end of the world, the believers in the Mayan calendar must have serious proof of their allegations. Bullshit. That`s what they have. Jack Squat. Their argument is that they can`t be proven wrong. Well DUH you self-righteous apocalypse-mongers, of course you can`t be proven wrong, we’re too busy finding the cure for cancer and AIDS to be looking into old Indiana Jones movie scripts! Of course, in comes Hollywood fueling the delusion by making a movie about the world ending in 2012 by means of huge tidal wave. Crap movie, by the way. Crappier than, say, all those zombie apocalypse movies that, believe it or not, can actually happen if a man-made virus escapes some lab in the basement of an abandoned airstrip in *Insert desert location in the US here*.

Now, after all the major-league bullshit one might think that it’s a bit overrated to come up with new Apocalypses every day. But NOOOO, there are always a bunch of paranoid people living in their mother’s basement somewhere just waiting to come up with new and improved ways of ending the world as we know it. Maybe. Sometime. Tomorrow, or next month, or this decade or so. For example, the new trend (fortunately swiftly disproved by NASA, much to the dismay of the folks getting ready to hit the banks and liquidate their accounts after telling their bosses they were screwing around with their wives and that they’re jackasses and dickheads anyway) is that Comet Elenin will pass us by, cause earthquakes and not even drop in to say hello. What a douchebag comet! I mean, come on, if you’re a cosmic object hurtling through the sky at a-crapload-of-miles-an-hour and you`re gonna cause a panic, at least crash into the planet, don`t just go by and disappear harmlessly into the night sky! Conspiracy theorists have to make a living too, you know?!

Now, given all the bull that’s been tossed around recently, I`m pretty damn sure that when and if the end of the world comes, it’s going to not only catch us by surprise completely, but also come from a seemingly benign incident that nobody’s going to notice, like…I dunno…a butterfly flapping it’s wings in some remote jungle, causing a hurricane somewhere else, causing christians to believe they’re being raptured, causing, in turn, the economy to collapse because of sudden withdrawals of cash and people quitting their jobs, causing a Chinese official to laugh his ass off, tip over, push the nuclear launch button, and end us all. See? It’s easy! With a bit of work, you too can now create your own bone-chilling apocalyptic scenario!

This has been a special report from my underground bunker where I`m waiting for the world to end. Repent, the end is nigh! Or not…or maybe next month. Who the hell knows?

The Orthodox Time-Machine: Back to the Past

September 20, 2011 4 comments

I usually don’t rant about things that might touch certain people’s sensibilities and offend them, because it’s the right thing to do and I`m a decent human being. NOT! I rant about offensive things ALL the time, and this is no exception.  If you’re offended by what you`re about to read, it means you’re too brainwashed by religion to understand the danger it poses to any individual with more than shit-for-brains.

Fact 1: Romania is a secular state.

Fact 2: Religion is taught to grades 1-12 in Romanian PUBLIC schools.

Fact 3: A highschool student has recently been humiliated in front of his peers by his religion teacher for being an atheist. This has gotten a certain amount of press coverage, bringing with it hundreds of comments from medieval, brainwashed orthodox christians calling the child and his supporters devil worshippers, and even going so far as issuing death threats towards atheists, and exposing their fundamentalist belief system. This made me feel a bit like I was living in Iran. And if things continue the way they are, with the church’s authority growing, and the clergy above and beyond the reach of law, Romania is soon to become a full-fledged theocracy. I hope it doesn’t.

Fact 4: This is not a singular case. In churches, Orthodox priests preach xenofobia, discrimination and hatred against any and all religions that are not Orthodox to people not intelligent enough to discern truth from orthodox brainwashing. No other christian denomination (that I know of) teaches it’s followers explicitly to discriminate against, hate, and socially isolate those that are not of the same faith. Talk about “Religion of love”, eh?  Fortunately, there is a positive aspect in all of this: the number of fundamentalists is still relatively low. Most orthodox believers are not as hate-fueled as the church would have them be. A number of believers adhere to orthodoxy for social reasons and less so from true belief, and they too have become very vocal against the abuses of the clergy.

Fact 5: In Romania there currently are 18.300 (eighteen thousand three hundred) churches, but only 4700 (four thousand seven hundred) middle schools and 425 (four hundred and twenty five!!!) hospitals.

Conclusion: If things continue on this downward spiral, with the State too afraid to put it’s foot down and stop treating the church like a porcelain doll, with priviledges growing every day and money being pumped from local budgets into the black hole of the churches`pocket, we’re not far from the days when the orthodox clergy will yet again build pyres for burning “infidels” like in the good`ol medieval times when they could rule with no questions asked. When I wished for a time machine, I never imagined the Orthodox Church had already built one, primed and ready to take Romania straight back to the dark ages.