Lo, the Apocalypse is nigh!…again!

September 25, 2011 3 comments

OK, this is getting a bit old. Make up your minds, people!  Natural catastrophe, man-made black holes, asteroids crashing on Earth, satellites crashing on Earth, The Rapture, global warming, earthquake causing comets, the devil, Vishnu, Ungu-Bungu`s Revenge, zombies, the Mayan calendar, what the hell is it gonna be?

In the past few years  I`ve survived so many Apocalypses I`m starting to think I`m either related to Chuck Norris, or to a cockroach. The last big thing was this douchebag preacher/radio host telling the naive masses to relinquish their earthly goods and prepare for the rapture. OK, everyone’s entitled to at least one episode of delusional paranoia per lifetime, I`ll give the man that, but what I can`t understand is how he managed to get people to quit their jobs, sell their houses, give their life savings to charity and other self-righteous bullshit to prepare for an event that even their holy bible states cannot be predicted by man. Fine, you`ll say, let’s forgive the poor sob and move on. Oh reaaaally? Forgive him you say? “Medicate” I believe is a better practice at this moment, considering he still hasn’t given up his apocalyptic bullcrap and instead stated that he was “wrong” and the rapture will actually occur next year. And you know what? He STILL has a following! I mean, people, really?! Seriously?!

Moooving on: before delusional preachers, there was the Mayan calendar. That`s still somewhat of a trend, with many people holding a firm belief that just because a bunch of people over 600 years ago, that had barely discovered the wheel, made human sacrifices and built megalithic temples in their spare time, yet couldn`t count further than 2012, made a bunch of predictions in their silly calendar it means they were right and we’re all going down the drain next year, when supposedly some serious shit is programmed to hit a cosmic-sized fan. Oh, you must be thinking, with something as serious as the end of the world, the believers in the Mayan calendar must have serious proof of their allegations. Bullshit. That`s what they have. Jack Squat. Their argument is that they can`t be proven wrong. Well DUH you self-righteous apocalypse-mongers, of course you can`t be proven wrong, we’re too busy finding the cure for cancer and AIDS to be looking into old Indiana Jones movie scripts! Of course, in comes Hollywood fueling the delusion by making a movie about the world ending in 2012 by means of huge tidal wave. Crap movie, by the way. Crappier than, say, all those zombie apocalypse movies that, believe it or not, can actually happen if a man-made virus escapes some lab in the basement of an abandoned airstrip in *Insert desert location in the US here*.

Now, after all the major-league bullshit one might think that it’s a bit overrated to come up with new Apocalypses every day. But NOOOO, there are always a bunch of paranoid people living in their mother’s basement somewhere just waiting to come up with new and improved ways of ending the world as we know it. Maybe. Sometime. Tomorrow, or next month, or this decade or so. For example, the new trend (fortunately swiftly disproved by NASA, much to the dismay of the folks getting ready to hit the banks and liquidate their accounts after telling their bosses they were screwing around with their wives and that they’re jackasses and dickheads anyway) is that Comet Elenin will pass us by, cause earthquakes and not even drop in to say hello. What a douchebag comet! I mean, come on, if you’re a cosmic object hurtling through the sky at a-crapload-of-miles-an-hour and you`re gonna cause a panic, at least crash into the planet, don`t just go by and disappear harmlessly into the night sky! Conspiracy theorists have to make a living too, you know?!

Now, given all the bull that’s been tossed around recently, I`m pretty damn sure that when and if the end of the world comes, it’s going to not only catch us by surprise completely, but also come from a seemingly benign incident that nobody’s going to notice, like…I dunno…a butterfly flapping it’s wings in some remote jungle, causing a hurricane somewhere else, causing christians to believe they’re being raptured, causing, in turn, the economy to collapse because of sudden withdrawals of cash and people quitting their jobs, causing a Chinese official to laugh his ass off, tip over, push the nuclear launch button, and end us all. See? It’s easy! With a bit of work, you too can now create your own bone-chilling apocalyptic scenario!

This has been a special report from my underground bunker where I`m waiting for the world to end. Repent, the end is nigh! Or not…or maybe next month. Who the hell knows?

The Romanian Orthodox Church and Communism – a brief comparison

September 21, 2011 1 comment

Ladies and gents, for today’s random rant (that isn`t random at all, but part of a wider project to expose the evils of religion in Romania) I give to you Comunism vs. Orthodoxy – a brief comparison.

Let us begin:

1. The words of their creators are gathered in a book and misinterpreted, vaguely applied, and changed to suit the needs of the moment.Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.

2.”He who is not with us is against us”. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
3. Hatred of the Western world that is decadent, dominant, imperialistic, etc. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
4. Creation of false enemies: other religions, the bourgeoisie, saboteurs, freemasonry, the Jews, etc. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
5. Ascension to power by use of intimidation and fear coupled with hope for a better existence. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
6. Reversal of values – good is bad, rich is poor, one is many, etc. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
7. Exacerbation of nationalist feelings and national pride to the point of xenophobia. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
8. Illegitimate takeover of land and property by invocation of previous “historic” injustice requiring reparation. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
9. “We are all equal, but some of us are more equal than the other”. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
10. Leaving the system is a capital offense. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
11. Dissemination of biased information via “official” news sources. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
12. Cult of personality (the supreme Leader, vs. the supreme Being). Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
13. Megalomania (massive processions, absurd builds with no aesthetic or practical use whatsoever). Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
14. The existence of a limited few that oppose the absurdity. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.
15. Use of authority vs. use of logic in argumentation. Orthodoxy – 1; Communism – 1.

And last, but not least, to close this comparison, I give you a literal translation of a quote by Justinian Marina, a.k.a The Red Patriarch, leader of the Romanian Orthodox Church under communism: “Christ is the New Man. The New Man is Soviet. Therefore, Christ is Soviet!”.

Q.E.D, ladies and gentlemen. Q.E.D.

The Orthodox Time-Machine: Back to the Past

September 20, 2011 4 comments

I usually don’t rant about things that might touch certain people’s sensibilities and offend them, because it’s the right thing to do and I`m a decent human being. NOT! I rant about offensive things ALL the time, and this is no exception.  If you’re offended by what you`re about to read, it means you’re too brainwashed by religion to understand the danger it poses to any individual with more than shit-for-brains.

Fact 1: Romania is a secular state.

Fact 2: Religion is taught to grades 1-12 in Romanian PUBLIC schools.

Fact 3: A highschool student has recently been humiliated in front of his peers by his religion teacher for being an atheist. This has gotten a certain amount of press coverage, bringing with it hundreds of comments from medieval, brainwashed orthodox christians calling the child and his supporters devil worshippers, and even going so far as issuing death threats towards atheists, and exposing their fundamentalist belief system. This made me feel a bit like I was living in Iran. And if things continue the way they are, with the church’s authority growing, and the clergy above and beyond the reach of law, Romania is soon to become a full-fledged theocracy. I hope it doesn’t.

Fact 4: This is not a singular case. In churches, Orthodox priests preach xenofobia, discrimination and hatred against any and all religions that are not Orthodox to people not intelligent enough to discern truth from orthodox brainwashing. No other christian denomination (that I know of) teaches it’s followers explicitly to discriminate against, hate, and socially isolate those that are not of the same faith. Talk about “Religion of love”, eh?  Fortunately, there is a positive aspect in all of this: the number of fundamentalists is still relatively low. Most orthodox believers are not as hate-fueled as the church would have them be. A number of believers adhere to orthodoxy for social reasons and less so from true belief, and they too have become very vocal against the abuses of the clergy.

Fact 5: In Romania there currently are 18.300 (eighteen thousand three hundred) churches, but only 4700 (four thousand seven hundred) middle schools and 425 (four hundred and twenty five!!!) hospitals.

Conclusion: If things continue on this downward spiral, with the State too afraid to put it’s foot down and stop treating the church like a porcelain doll, with priviledges growing every day and money being pumped from local budgets into the black hole of the churches`pocket, we’re not far from the days when the orthodox clergy will yet again build pyres for burning “infidels” like in the good`ol medieval times when they could rule with no questions asked. When I wished for a time machine, I never imagined the Orthodox Church had already built one, primed and ready to take Romania straight back to the dark ages.