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Lo, the Apocalypse is nigh!…again!

September 25, 2011 3 comments

OK, this is getting a bit old. Make up your minds, people!  Natural catastrophe, man-made black holes, asteroids crashing on Earth, satellites crashing on Earth, The Rapture, global warming, earthquake causing comets, the devil, Vishnu, Ungu-Bungu`s Revenge, zombies, the Mayan calendar, what the hell is it gonna be?

In the past few years¬† I`ve survived so many Apocalypses I`m starting to think I`m either related to Chuck Norris, or to a cockroach. The last big thing was this douchebag preacher/radio host telling the naive masses to relinquish their earthly goods and prepare for the rapture. OK, everyone’s entitled to at least one episode of delusional paranoia per lifetime, I`ll give the man that, but what I can`t understand is how he managed to get people to quit their jobs, sell their houses, give their life savings to charity and other self-righteous bullshit to prepare for an event that even their holy bible states cannot be predicted by man. Fine, you`ll say, let’s forgive the poor sob and move on. Oh reaaaally? Forgive him you say? “Medicate” I believe is a better practice at this moment, considering he still hasn’t given up his apocalyptic bullcrap and instead stated that he was “wrong” and the rapture will actually occur next year. And you know what? He STILL has a following! I mean, people, really?! Seriously?!

Moooving on: before delusional preachers, there was the Mayan calendar. That`s still somewhat of a trend, with many people holding a firm belief that just because a bunch of people over 600 years ago, that had barely discovered the wheel, made human sacrifices and built megalithic temples in their spare time, yet couldn`t count further than 2012, made a bunch of predictions in their silly calendar it means they were right and we’re all going down the drain next year, when supposedly some serious shit is programmed to hit a cosmic-sized fan. Oh, you must be thinking, with something as serious as the end of the world, the believers in the Mayan calendar must have serious proof of their allegations. Bullshit. That`s what they have. Jack Squat. Their argument is that they can`t be proven wrong. Well DUH you self-righteous apocalypse-mongers, of course you can`t be proven wrong, we’re too busy finding the cure for cancer and AIDS to be looking into old Indiana Jones movie scripts! Of course, in comes Hollywood fueling the delusion by making a movie about the world ending in 2012 by means of huge tidal wave. Crap movie, by the way. Crappier than, say, all those zombie apocalypse movies that, believe it or not, can actually happen if a man-made virus escapes some lab in the basement of an abandoned airstrip in *Insert desert location in the US here*.

Now, after all the major-league bullshit one might think that it’s a bit overrated to come up with new Apocalypses every day. But NOOOO, there are always a bunch of paranoid people living in their mother’s basement somewhere just waiting to come up with new and improved ways of ending the world as we know it. Maybe. Sometime. Tomorrow, or next month, or this decade or so. For example, the new trend (fortunately swiftly disproved by NASA, much to the dismay of the folks getting ready to hit the banks and liquidate their accounts after telling their bosses they were screwing around with their wives and that they’re jackasses and dickheads anyway) is that Comet Elenin will pass us by, cause earthquakes and not even drop in to say hello. What a douchebag comet! I mean, come on, if you’re a cosmic object hurtling through the sky at a-crapload-of-miles-an-hour and you`re gonna cause a panic, at least crash into the planet, don`t just go by and disappear harmlessly into the night sky! Conspiracy theorists have to make a living too, you know?!

Now, given all the bull that’s been tossed around recently, I`m pretty damn sure that when and if the end of the world comes, it’s going to not only catch us by surprise completely, but also come from a seemingly benign incident that nobody’s going to notice, like…I dunno…a butterfly flapping it’s wings in some remote jungle, causing a hurricane somewhere else, causing christians to believe they’re being raptured, causing, in turn, the economy to collapse because of sudden withdrawals of cash and people quitting their jobs, causing a Chinese official to laugh his ass off, tip over, push the nuclear launch button, and end us all. See? It’s easy! With a bit of work, you too can now create your own bone-chilling apocalyptic scenario!

This has been a special report from my underground bunker where I`m waiting for the world to end. Repent, the end is nigh! Or not…or maybe next month. Who the hell knows?